Jobs. We all need them. Are you interested in creating jobs? I am, too! not in the traditional way but in the literal one. Below are some jobs we need to create to make the world a better place at home and in the office. Plus, we could all use a little business humor now and then. Think of the possibilities for these funny jobs!
Fantasy Sports Psychologist
This person's goal is to get you the one thing money can't buy - bragging rights. Fantasy sports continue to be a low-stakes and even lower-reward endeavor for sports fans. However, a great draft and shroud waiver wire moves can't save you from a few bad injuries come playoff time. Only a Fantasy Sports Psychologist specializing in peak performance can. Unfortunately, there aren't many of them in the workforce.
Fictional Email Writer
Someone to write emails for every situation that can and will happen... but hasn't yet.
"Congrats on getting that customer! Here's the email to send in two years explaining our fee increase." or "We've just hired a new digital marketing director! Get Nancy in the Fictional Email Writing Dept. to fire up a termination notice to be sent six months from now explaining that we need to make money and not screenshots."
Having someone to address the inevitabilities in business before they happen will save you a lot of time and stress for when they do happen. It also prevents you from being an email idiot.
Executive Decruiter
Someone who can use Leatherface's chainsaw to cut through politics and red tape at large organizations. These people don't have to worry about the backlash of whistle-blowing. When they are done making the corporate beef extra lean, they can use the surplus to help the staff improve the company. Consider them the Robin Hood of Wall Street.
Director of Encouraging Communications
Productivity can always improve. Nothing would kill the afternoon slump like a professional pep-talk provider. This person is a combination of Tony Robbins and your idiot friend who posts those inspirational quotes on LinkedIn. Employees could dial the conference bridge to join the Director of Encouraging Communication's pump-up midday speech. If you hate phone calls (like most of the younger folks in the office do), just email halftimespeech@companyname.com and you'll get a 2348-word masterpiece to help you push through the final 150 minutes of the work day.
Co-Exercise Band Wearer
Don't you hate those days when your pedometer doesn't vibrate to notify you of hitting 3 million steps? Since many of us have pets that refuse to wear our pedometers, it would be great to have the ability to sub-contract exercise to a co-wearable technology user. This person would be easy to spot in the office. Their arms would be covered with Fitbits up to their shoulders. It's a win all around. Staff members can work late, eat all the Arby's they want, and still get their steps in without burdening Garfield at home with any exercise.
Fake Social Media Account Developer
Life is difficult in a startup. You can look big by getting a 1-800 number courtesy of Grasshopper or Claricom and a bunch of email aliases and domains courtesy of GoDaddy. Unfortunately, the truth will come out. People can use social media to find out that you're a one-man army living under a mask at your Aunt May's house. You need a dedicated resource to create fake social media accounts for fictional staff members. Be sure to give them exciting job titles, recommendations, and fake friends. This makes it harder for potential customers to uncover your secret identity.
Fetus School Teacher
Don't expect your kid to be the next Elon Musk out of the womb unless you start their development in the womb. Enroll your child in a fetus school to ensure you give them the head start they need to be smarter than every preschooler in the world. Your fetus doesn't need caring! The only "carrying" that needs to be done here is in double-digit addition. Check the Fetus School Rankings from US News before picking which schools to apply to.
Social Media Eulogizer
This person ensures that no celebrity passes away without a proper social media send-off from another celebrity. Complete with appropriate hashtags. Celebrities are too busy being irrational and successful to keep up with worldly affairs. Take this guy who thought Nelson Mandela was an athlete. A social media eulogizer could eliminate a lot of PR gaffes crippling celebrities.
Brain Cell Labeler
Imagine if websites and YouTube clips were labeled; how many brain cells would be lost by reading or watching their content? Just like restaurants must mark how many calories are in their food, Reading 436-page screenplays to movies that don't exist? Enjoy, but it will cost you 250,000 brain cells. Are you watching YouTube clips of Darth Vader breathing for 10 hours straight? That will be 1.2 million brain cells. A Brain Cell Labeler could put a numerical value on how useless some of this stuff is.
Parking Spot Broker
Productivity at the office is paramount. A-players in the office really need to make sure they do as little walking as possible. You may have been an athlete in high school, but now you must grow up and get things done! Save the unintended exercise for later. A Parking Spot Broker can look at your calendar and get to meetings (or the grocery store) 15 minutes before you and grab a spot. Just look for the Parking Spot Broker to wave you into the prime-time parking spot they have been standing in for 15 minutes anticipating your arrival. This convenience ensures you don't waste time looking for a place and you don't burn calories for no reason.
I am sure you can come up with a few other exciting jobs. Some workaholics probably work two jobs, like a fictional email writer moonlighting as a social media eulogizer. Those people have the right idea. They can either continuously hunt for jobs or create them.
